鈥淓MS has crushed my soul, but I love the people I work with. They are the only ones that understand.鈥� So reads a tweet from an EMT.
It鈥檚 easier to reset and recover with a little support from others. Maybe you ran a terrible call, had a horrible shift, or saw a tragic story on the news and thought, maybe next time, I鈥檒l be the first in medic dealing with that. While your work colleagues can relate and provide support based on shared knowledge and experience, they are not the only people in your life. Your non-EMS family 鈥� the 鈥渘ormal鈥� people in your life 鈥� can help too.
In too many EMS families, the partners, spouses, kids and parents of EMS providers feel left out as their loved one鈥檚 mutter, 鈥測ou wouldn鈥檛 understand鈥� or 鈥淚 want to protect you from the suffering I see every day.鈥�
While it鈥檚 natural to want to process the worst stuff with folks who have been there, your family health and your support system will improve by bringing the rest of your family 鈥� however you define family 鈥� into the circle. Contrary to what many EMS providers think, people do not need to 鈥渦nderstand鈥� or 鈥渒now what it鈥檚 like鈥� to be helpful. Cutting your loved ones off when you鈥檙e going through something difficult contributes to family stress, divorce and estrangement. It doesn鈥檛 have to be this way.
Building your non-EMS family support system involves a few key elements:
First you need to know, what does good support look like for you? Are you someone who needs quiet time to think things through on your own? Do you need to talk it out uninterrupted while someone just listens? Do you need to hit the gym or go for a run before you talk with anyone? Do you want someone to distract you with stories about their day? It鈥檚 helpful to know what you need before you ask for it. Keep in mind that your needs will likely be different for different situations. It鈥檚 always good to pause before you ask and check in with yourself asking the question, 鈥淲hat do I really need right now?鈥�
Check-in on how you and your partner are functioning during difficult calls, and learn when and how to take a productive break
It helps to build your support system with a family conversation. Do this at a time when you don鈥檛 have any needs or issues to process. Let them know that you鈥檇 like to build a family that supports each other in all kinds of situations. Tell them you鈥檇 like our family to be a safe place where all of us can get and give the kind of support that works best for us.
Share with them the kinds of calls that get to you more than others. For me, it was always the cases where someone vulnerable was beat up, abused, killed or raped. Then talk about the kinds of support you might need after a rough shift. and the kind of support you鈥檇 like to ask for from them. Make this as specific as you can. Rather than saying, 鈥淚 just need space鈥� say, 鈥淚 need 30-40 minutes in the back yard by myself to decompress and then I鈥檒l reconnect with you.鈥�
Then ask them what kinds of things happen in their lives that might inspire them to need support. Ask them how you can best support them when they need it. Most people who have this conversation are surprised to discover new ways they can support folks they have known and lived with for years.
See if you can get everyone to agree to ask each other for the kind of support they need when they need it, and to offer each other the kind of support they ask for.
Then practice, practice, practice. The more you each check in with yourselves to see what you really need, then ask for exactly what you want and provide support in kind to others, the stronger your support system will become.
Join this discussion with real-life spouses Mike Taigman and Sascha Liebowitz, on how to repair burnout by reconnecting with loved ones and mitigating the impact of the job on your relationships.
If you鈥檙e not sure where to start, psychiatrist Daniel Segal, MD, the director of the Mindsight Institute at UCLA, reminds us of :
- To be seen. To have others see you for who you are right now. Empathy, the ability to recognize emotions in others is one of the most important skills we can have as a human.
- To be safe. The world is full of threats, from active shooters to monkeypox. Being and feeling safe is key. This is especially true for children who might not have developed the rational ability to separate a threat they have heard about from an actual threat in their immediate environment.
- To be soothed. Maybe it鈥檚 a hug or someone saying, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry you鈥檙e feeling bad, that was an awful situation.鈥� This is where do their best work. From my experience, 98% of dogs are soothing to pet and throw a ball for.
This equation is a simple reminder of what we all need during these crazy times in our world. Seen + Safe + Soothed = Secure
